I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
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We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
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The cougar kind?
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She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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