Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
