you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
