Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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