he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
