he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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