he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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