btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
