Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
