So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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