I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
