I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
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Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
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I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
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