never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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