So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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