I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
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He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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