Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I've blown a few things in my day
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.