is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.