If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
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But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
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Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut