When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
