i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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