I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
