So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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