Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
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her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
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He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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