Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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