just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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