dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
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I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
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My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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