There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
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Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
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I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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