The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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