I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
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I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
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Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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