i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
