dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
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At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
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I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
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