I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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