Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
