Just fell off a train. Bad.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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