Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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