Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
BRING THE BAGELS
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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