I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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