I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
