had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
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Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
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I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.