Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
