her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
