Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
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this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
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I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.