Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
29 Unspoken Rules Of “Bro Code”
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
23 “Girl Codes” Guys Probably Don’t Know About
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT