Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Dating After Heartbreak
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."