You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
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he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
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you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information