I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
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When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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