we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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