i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
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