It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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