I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
