I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
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He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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