Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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