The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life