I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet