my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.