if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm bleeding and have questions
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
