he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
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We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
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I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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